In recent poll of reader’s in The Globe and Mail Financial Report, over 50% of respondents said they thought Tim Horton’s had the best tasting coffee.
Though I work at Starbucks, I’m far from a coffee expert. However, the idea that Canadian’s think Tim Horton’s has the best tasting coffee makes me want to throw up all over myself.
It’s the same reaction I have to anyone who thinks that Molson Canadian or Coors Light is the best tasting beer. Disgusting. It’s like when I here someone at a party say “Man, I love drinking beer!”
So I ask, “What’s your favorite beer?”
They inevitably reply, with a look of moronic indignation, “I don’t drink anything but Coors Light!”
What an idiot! Anyone who thinks a crisp, easy-drinking beer tastes the best is an idiot and they don’t like the taste of beer. Those terms, “crisp”, “light”, and “drinkability” are made to describe a tasteless beer.
Unfortunately, as with coffee, most people dislike the real taste. What these morons really like is the drug, whether it’s caffeine or alcohol. Do you ever see these idiots sip a straight whiskey or double espresso? No. They need the taste of their drugs buried in bland, watered down, easy-drinking forms.
The whole association with “ice cold” demonstrates how these corporate American-style lagers are for people who don’t like a real beer taste. The colder something is, the harder it is to taste it. That’s just how our taste buds work. The complexities of the taste are lost. It’s like plugging your nose while tasting.
Some beer – the tastier ones -- are meant to be consumed at “cellar” temperature, which is just below room temp. Once, when a bartender poured my Rickard’s Red into a Coors Light frosted mug, thinking I was an idiotic tool like most of my peers, I almost punched him in the face. Instead, I told him that I liked to taste my beer and he poured it in a normal fucking glass.
But not even wussy American-style lagers are supposed to be drank at “sub-zero” temperatures. Coors Light have bottle labels that change color to alert you that your beer isn’t ice cold anymore. They also have “sub-zero” taps at bars which are encased in ice, and serve their beer in frosted mugs. Just in case you could taste a little bit of real beer in your pussy American lager, they had to freeze the shit and numb your face in order for you to drink it. Yum, doesn’t Coors Light just taste the best!? It’s like drinking the fucking ghost of a beer.
These major breweries take a real product, beer, and dilute it for the masses -- not unlike record companies who manufacture crossover pop hits that dilutes real music. Basically, Coors Light, Molson Canadian, and Miller Light are the Taylor Swift, A Simple Plan, and Vanilla Ice of beer.
Likewise, Tim Horton’s the Coors Light of coffee. And McDonald’s is the Molson. They are mass-produced, watered-down, cheap coffees that appeal to people who would never drink espresso, who mask the taste of their coffee in sugar and cream, and who only drink coffee for its caffeine. They are the Kenny G and Nickelback of coffee.
Now I’m not a snob. As it is, I can easily drink Coors or Tim’s. I’m just disgusted at those who think those drinks taste the best, when they aren’t real beer or coffee drinkers. Real drinkers try lots of different kinds, like a wide variety of tastes, and preferably know something about what they are drinking. They don’t measure what is the best based on the fact that it’s the only shit they can stomach down.
Tim Horton’s is popular because its liquid sugar is good, because it’s weak-tasting, and because most people can’t handle the taste of real coffee.
Unfortunately, ignorant, weak-stomached people make up over 50% of the coffee consuming public. And they vote for Tim Horton’s – the Steven Harper of coffee
